It’s Christmas Time Again

Christmas is here once again, but I just can’t find my spirit this year. It’s getting more difficult each day to put smile and act as though I’m alright. I wake up, I cry. In the middle of the day for no apparent reason, I cry. I lay down at night, I cry. I am missing so much in my life and there’s nothing I can do to get it back. I just want one more Christmas hug from my Mom. Twenty plus years later and it STILL gets the best of me at times. I guess that’s because a mother’s love never dies, it just comes from Heaven.

So many loved ones in heaven, but it’s my mom I miss the most today. I’m so tired of people saying that I’ll get over it with time. Losing her is something I will NEVER get over. So many unresolved issues, so much left unsaid and undone, so much I wish I would have listened to, but I had dealt with so much already. I was already lonely because I knew I was losing her too. No, I can’t go back in time and change anything. No, nothing I can do will bring back those lost moments we should have had together. I know all of this. This year it’s just tearing me up something awful for some reason and I have absolutely no idea why.

If I could have just one hour with my Mom for Christmas, there is so much I would say and do. I would hug her and tell her how much I love her. I would show her pictures of and tell get all about her grandsons which she never got to meet. I would thank her for all she ever did for me. I would give her the best gift I could find.

My children know why Mommy gets sad this time of year and they do their best to make me smile. I love them for being the caring boys they have become, even after all they have been through. I know that my Mom had been with me, feeling me guide them in the right direction. I can’t thank her enough for that.


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